“The creativity of people on the schizophrenic end of the human continuum is a creativity that springs from the inability to accept the standardized cultural denials of the real nature of experience. And the price of this kind of almost “extra human” creativity is to live on the brink of madness, as men have long known.”- Ernest Becker
“It’s almost time for you to go home, Jacob!”
I was beyond excited to hear those words from the nurse that day. I had just spent a week in a mental hospital in Louisiana and was eager to get out. It took a while, but eventually the nurse came back to get me. We then walked slowly through the hallways, until I saw my Mom and Dad ready to take me home. I was free!
After leaving the hospital, I got in the car and my parents asked where I wanted to go eat. I told them I wanted to eat at Posados Cafe, a local popular Mexican restaurant. I don’t remember much else, but I do remember saying, at least to myself, “I’m glad that’s over.”
Yet, little did I know that the journey away from the hospital that day, was a quest that was only beginning.
I left the hospital with a diagnosis of schizophrenia. Having that knowledge and living with that diagnosis meant some things had to change. I had to take medicine now, first liquid, later pills. I could no longer drink caffeine whenever I wanted or stay up late like all my friends could do. From that point forward, paying attention to schoolwork and completing homework in a short amount of time would a become less and less frequent accomplishment. I couldn’t pay attention to my Biology textbook and I recall throwing my Shakespeare book across my room, just because it would take me an hour to go through just a few pages.
All the while, I hated people who could multitask and be super involved in everything, while I could only focus on a few things at a time. I had always loved movies, yet it was during this period that my love of movies truly became an obsession. That first summer having an illness I went to our local Cinemark to see at least 20 movies. Before my diagnosis, I wrote poems and songs quite regularly. When schizophrenia came into the picture, for many years after those poems and writings would come in spurts, from God of course but usually as well whenever I was most lucid.
For the past fifteen years of my journey of mental illness, I have often wondered. What would it be like if I was normal? What would it be like if I could play sports? What would it look like if I could sing, write hit songs, and play the piano? What would it be like if I was confident? What would it be like to be free, to never be judged, ridiculed, misunderstood, or made fun of again?
First off, you probably wouldn’t know that much about me personally. What you knew about me would be what you would know about most people. I would have pictures on social media of all the places I went. My resume would be filled with multiple jobs. I would easily fit into what’s accepted. I could answer questions about my “five-year plan” with ease. I would love parties, being around people, and having conversations. However, I would not be able to be talented at everything, nor would I have everything.
In the Garden, when Adam and Eve sinned, it was then that they,and we their descendants, lost out on a perfect existence here on Earth. From that moment, until now, we continue to have joy and laughter, while at the same time, having anxiety, pain, weariness, and sorrow.
Perhaps you are like me and have lived your life constantly asking the question, “If only I…” During this pandemic, perhaps you have thought, “If only things were back to normal, If only COVID-19 was gone, then I would be happy.”
I love the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post from Ernest Becker, particularly the part that says the cost “of almost ‘extra human creativity’ is to live on the brink of madness.” I love it because, it reminds me, that if mental illness wasn’t a part of my life, I very well could not be creative at all. That would mean that all of my blog-posts and poems, that have been read by my friends and family around the world, would never have been written at all. Also, I probably wouldn’t care as much about following Jesus.
As this pandemic carries on, I know it is easy to think of what you have lost. Yet, I challenge you, and I challenge myself, to focus on what we have gained. Thinking back to last year, if COVID-19 wasn’t around, would we have talked more to our friends and family as much, spent time with them, turned off our screens, been thankful for what we had, and continue to still have?
We’re aren’t promised a care-free, nor painless life. Yet, as Jesus reminds us, in John 16;33, we “will have trouble” but we can make it, because He has “overcome the world.” I am thankful for Jesus, and I am thankful, that though the thorn of schizophrenia is still lodged within me, that He has given me Himself and the gift of creative expression, to make sense of this world and the life that He has given me. In conclusion, whatever pain or burdens you have, whatever you have lost because of COVID, I encourage you to focus on what you have gained, and allow Jesus to form a masterpiece in your life. It is through His working in our lives that we can become thankful, that we can become content, and that we can reach a place where we are so satisfied in Him that we cannot ask for anything more.
Thank you for reading.
Jacob McGowen
The Adventures of A Warrior 