I can worry about many things. I can also be terrified of even more things. Yet, out of all the negative clutter that spins around in my mind wanting to divert me from sanity, one particular worry and fear has been with me for fourteen years.
I am afraid of not being able to sleep.
About fifteen years ago, I could stay up late. I could go to bed whenever I wanted. I could drink soda at anytime of the day and not have to worry about not being able to sleep.
Yet, such carefree, innocent, and reckless decisions were not meant to last.
In the spring of 2005, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. From that point on, I had to take medicine and begin to stick to a schedule with medicine and school in order to have a healthy routine.
I was in the 9th grade that year, and towards the end of the semester in May, after going to doctors appointments 2-3 times a week and trying to get my studies done, I was more than ready for summer.
Then one Sunday, I started a new medication and tried to go to sleep to get ready for school in the morning.
But I couldn’t sleep.
For nearly 96 hours, I did not sleep a wink. I tried to go to school and do homework but as the days progressed I could barely function. I could not even nap.
All the while, doctors wanted me to take new meds to help me sleep and function better.
At one point near the end of the week, I said, “No more!”
On Friday night, I went with my family to a Nicole C. Mullen concert at a local church in our town West Monroe, LA. We had had the tickets for weeks. I did not want to miss it.
Towards the end of the night, my eyes were getting heavier and heavier.
Yet, I wanted to hear one song. I wanted to hear Nicole C. Mullen’s “Redeemer.”
I did get to hear that song and I have to say it was one of the most memorable moments of worship in my life.
After the concert, I came back home with my family and my mom gave me a new medicine called Ambien to help me sleep.
Miraculously, Jesus showed up through modern medicine and I slept. I woke up Saturday morning to the smell of my Dad’s pancakes and was thrilled beyond belief, like it was Christmas Day, that I had finally slept.
Fourteen years later, I am still on anti-psychotic meds. I still take meds for sleep at times. I still can’t drink coffee or soda past 4 pm and I cannot stay up late or wake up really early without experiencing negative side affects from my schizophrenia.
Yet, I remember that moment and so many others. I remember the truth Nicole C. Mullen sang in her song, drawn from scripture, that will always ring true.
Job 19:25-26 NIV
I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God.
Whoever you are, whatever you are going through, wherever you are in this world, if you remember anything from this blog today, remember this: Christ our Redeemer Lives!
The power of this Truth and reality has been evident in my life and I know that He can bring His same resurrecting and redeeming power into your life as well.
Until Next Time,
Jacob McGowen
The Adventures of A Warrior 