Thriving In Mzunguland

“What is wrong Jacobo?” said Doreen as I sat with her in the back of a house in Nansana, Uganda.

“I just don’t get Mzungus Doreen. I feel more comfortable with you and everyone in Nansana,” I responded, looking around at a plethora of dirty pots and pans while listening to the others playing games inside.

In that moment, I felt rather low. I wasn’t good at board games in America and Uganda wasn’t any different.

The delusion I believed was that I did not belong with the others playing games, nor with them, and that I needed to step outside and process things.

Yet, just like so many other times in my life, when I felt lonely, afraid, stupid, when I felt I didn’t belong, God was there and He helped me to come around to the truth. He brought me to one of my favorite people in the world, Doreen, and let me know in that moment, that He would always be there, that He would always provide me refuge from delusions and lies, and that HE ALONE would help me thrive in “Mzunguland.”

****

What some like to call “Mzunguland” and what most would call, the United States of America, is a wonderful place to live. While many fight and bicker over the ever-changing world of American politics, life relatively tends to stay the same for most people.

Going to work, to school, to the bar, or the gym are all regular parts of millions of our lives.

Yet, though we are blessed to live in America and though we have busy schedules, these are not the only things that we daily try to balance.

Overwhelming expectations, from culture, from friends, from family, etc. are something that plays a role in all our lives, and our daily conversations.

“Have you seen that movie?”

“What’s your five year plan?”

“When are you getting married?”

Ever since I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, I have felt overwhelmed trying my best to meet all these perceived expectations. I see countless movies, have thousands of songs in my ITunes, tons more in Spotify, and I have more books than I think I’ll ever be able to finish.

I’ve tried going to the gym in the past. I have a part time job. Yet I feel more comfortable turning to my “drug” of entertainment, because deep within me, I always believe the lies…

“You’ll never be able to have a life, doing something you love. You’ll never measure up to everyone else. Movies, music, books, these shall be your only friends.”

I have bounced back and forth across the lines of sanity and insanity too many times to count. Yet, though I have done this so often, it is because of Jesus that I always stay grounded.

Sure, I have mood swings. Sure, I forget things. I forget to take my meds from time to time, and I nearly bite my tongue every time someone belittles me.

But, then I wake up, or come home and I look out my window and see views like this:

Then, I remember that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He can help me find my way home every time I wander, that He can help me smile and have a good attitude while others daily question my intelligence and worth, that it is in Him alone I have worth, and that there is not a situation I will face where He won’t carry me.

Then, as I read His word, listen to music, walk outside, I am always reminded that He is not done me with yet, and that this life “ain’t over till He says it’s over.”

JACOBO, THE MZUNGU WARRIOR, WILL RETURN SOON.

Stay tuned.

🙂