Another Kind of Strength

“Where the hounds run
Track me in my sleep
When I can’t trust the company I keep
When I’ve pushed passed the point of pressing on
You’re what I’m counting on
You’re what I’m counting on”

I have been back and living in Fort Collins for over a year now. One constant in my life, or a goal I’ve tried to pursue is going to the gym. I have had a membership at a local gym in Old Town since last April and have been as often as I can since then. It is only an added benefit that is a short walk away from my apartment building.

Many people today have numerous things keeping them from going to the gym. They don’t have the time or the money. They don’t see the use of going out to exercise when they can do so “at home.” Or like many, including me, they may dread going to the gym simply because of feeling inferior and intimidated by other people.

The latter issue is the primary one which has kept me from going, from staying, and from learning to do better. Yet, that has not been my only obstacle on the road to my own personal fitness success.

On my walk down Remington Street towards Old Town Square, every time I go to the gym I pass by this one house where a man lives who has a dog that for one reason or another does not like me. While chained up and perfectly safe, almost every time I walk by at night that dog runs towards me with eyes set to pounce.

Most every time he comes I nearly jump out of shock. Now, I am more prepared so even if he’s not there, I walk behind a tree in front of the house where he lives so that he won’t stand a chance of hurting me.

I wish that I could say that I know how to face all my obstacles and monsters everywhere I go. Yet, that is just not the case.

A few weeks ago, my friend Matt that moved away came back to town and took his aunt and uncle, his sister, and a few other friends, including myself, out on a Pontoon boat to spend a few hours at Horsetooth Reservoir. I was excited initially about going, but as soon as our boat left the dock, that initial anticipation quickly dwindled.

I had just spent a week allowing an old friend from CRU to live in my apartment. While it had been good overall, it had been very challenging and draining. I sat on that boat while my friends, my “family,” were laughing and I wanted to be anywhere but there. I never was around water much and knowing that we would probably be  going swimming only reminded me of how I did not feel “good enough” to be there.

When we made our second stop, I got the strength to go swimming. After careful walking down the ladder, then sinking myself  beneath the water, I felt cool and refreshed. Joking as I swam, I went up to shore with the others and named the island where we stood “Gullah Gullah Island.”

After we swam back to the boat, I sat down at the front and just felt the breeze rush over me. After a few minutes, Matt asked me if I wanted to drive the boat. I then walked over, sat down and took the wheel.

His aunt, or my “Mama Marles,” as I like to call her, then said, “Jacob, you look so handsome! Can I take a picture of you please?”

Feeling unusually confident, I responded, “Yes, and you can put it on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.”

For the few minutes I drove that boat, I was at peace. After a week of ups and downs, I loved just getting to do what I never got to do and just drive.

As we got near shore, Matt told me to let him take over since I did not have a driver’s license. Yet, when I retreated to the front, I felt the gentle breeze rush over me once more, rested in the memory of a favorite song, and was once again at peace.

Yet, when I got home and got on Facebook I found the picture of me that “Mama Marles” had taken and I was shocked. I was repulsed. I did not like it at all. I felt weak, inferior, fat, ugly. I was terrified that all of my 700+ friends could now see this online. I also just did not understand how my confidence on the boat did not match the reality of my physical condition.

And it is there, my friends, that I discovered a very important lesson. My confidence and strength, if it is based on outward appearance and performance alone, will fail. Yet, if it is based on a relationship and a reliance on Jesus Christ, then it will never waver or fail.

1 Samuel 16:7 NIV

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

After my friend from CRU left, I could have stopped hanging out with him. Yet, over the past several weeks, we’ve begun going to the gym some mornings together. Learning new things together, we’ve learned how to honor each other better, and in turn, honor the Lord more fully.

And as for that “picture,” I am going to post it again below. As much as my flesh does not want me to, my heart I believe is wanting me to act differently. For I know there are far too many in this world, young and old, who are far too concerned with how they look on the outside. For all the insecure ones, myself included, this is for you.

Until Next Time,

Jacobo