Becoming An Usher

“It doesn’t matter what I feel,

Doesn’t matter what I see

My hope will always be

In your promises to me…”

Most conversations for college kids and twenty-somethings resolve around major life decisions. “Where do you work? What do you want to do after you graduate? What are your goals? When are you going to get married?”

Most people slide into these conversations with ease, expressing their goals and dreams while looking optimistically towards the future. Yet, for some of us, when asked the question, “Where do you work?” or “What are your goals?” we hesitate. For deep down, we know that the answers to those questions are never “short” or “to the point.”

Since February, I have been doing a paid work experience at a library here in town. I am hesitant when it comes to talking about my “job” because technically, compared to other people, it isn’t really a job. I am just being paid to volunteer and while I am grateful, I’ve yet to be fully confident.

Now, through vocational rehab, I have the opportunity to currently work once a week at the Carmike movie theater here in town. While it is a dream come true, it is still volunteer work and there are still some downsides.

For example, having my job coach right beside me for much of my very first day at the theater made me feel very uncomfortable and “special.” Then when I took tickets and she still stood beside me, I felt people staring at me, noticing that the manager, I, and my job coach were all just standing there.

Through their stares, I knew exactly what they were thinking, for I had seen those faces many times before.

“He must be different.”

After that first day, I walked out, stood under a tree in the rain, and was furious. I was mad that the counselors at vocational rehab took over a year to help me find work and very little of it. Then I was mad that no employer took a chance on me, and that I even went through the hurdle of college at all.

I did not stay under that tree though. I took the bus home and a week later, this past Tuesday, I came back. I not only worked an hour and a half, but I improved. I also was able to talk to my job coach, ask her to give me some space. When she stepped aside, it allowed me to become even more confidant and remember, “I can do things.”

I don’t know if the hours I’m accruing will turn into more long-term employment at the movie theater or at the library. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, what further challenges life will bring. Yet, I do know this…

“It doesn’t matter what I feel
Doesn’t matter what I see
My hope will always be
In Your promises to me
Now I’m casting out all fear
For Your love has set me free
My hope will always be
In Your promises to me…”

Until Next Time,

Jacobo